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Note to Donald Trump: It's Just Getting Sad Now

It's understandable that some people would capitalize on America's loss of AAA credit rating. After all, money talks and shit makes money on mass panic. However, there has to come a time when we collectively put our foot down and say “fuck off and die already.” That time is called “Donald Trump” and it is upon us, my friends.

ABC News reported last week that Donald Trump is once again seriously considering a presidential bid after S&P lowered America's credit rating. Ignoring that other rating agencies disagree with this move and that S&P itself played a direct role in the economic crisis it criticized, Trump claims that our current monetary woes are a sign that we need four years of his unique and not-at-all terrible brand of leadership. For those of you keeping track at home this is at least the third time he's made this claim. At first people were excited, if not bewildered, at the prospect of Trumpmerica in 2012. Now it's difficult to believe that this guy isn't a broken Spin n' Say stringing together sentences in a feeble attempt to communicate with human society: you know he's speaking English but it doesn't make any sense.

When Trump first announced his potential 2012 bid his final decision coincided with the season finale of The Apprentice, leading to Jump the Shark moment of television rating stunts. Now he's claiming he'll run just because he needs to hear his own voice to confirm that he still exists. 

Donald Trump, if you're reading this right now, just stop. Stop whatever the hell it is you're doing and leave us alone. You cannot run a country because you're only capable of running things into the ground. If you still insist on playing this game, allow me to clearly state three facts that prove that you could never serve as president.

1. You're Terrible With Money

Mr. Trump, you and I have at least one thing in common: we both love professional wrestling, which is how I can tell you're playing a character when you claim to be a multi-millionaire. You're a millionaire in the same sense that Ted DiBiase was, and since I don't think the financially successful wear vests with golden dollar signs Bedazzled onto their trunks, I'm calling bullshit.

You are not some top-notch businessman. Despite the character you play, ten seconds of research reveals that much of your fortune is made through manipulation of bankruptcy laws, lawsuits and being bought out. Under normal circumstances being an underhanded scumbag would make you a fine politician, but we have to take the role of president a little more seriously because you would potentially be in charge of a fuck-ton of money.